What is parentification in childhood?

Childhood “parentification” is when a child takes on responsibilities that belong to the parent and are not age appropriate for the child. Essentially it is a role reversal of the parent and child where the child is providing practical or emotional support for the parent or siblings.

These responsibilities can show up as practical things such as:

Caretaking other siblings by:

• Getting them ready for the day or night
• Soothing them back to sleep
• Making sure they do their homework
• Managing their schedules or routines
• Organizing events
• Protecting them

Or doing things like:

• Cooking most meals for the family
• Getting the majority of the groceries for the house
• Driving siblings or parents around
• Working and giving all of their income to the family

Making sure the parent follows through with their responsibilities:

• Waking them up for their job or appointments
• Reminding them about important deadlines for their own commitments
• Paying their bills when they are unable to
• Making sure they take their medications
• Trying to get parent to remain sober

This can also show up in an emotional capacity such as:

• Comforting the parent when they are sad
• Calming them down or taking the brunt of their anger
• Serving as a mediator in their relationships (often between parents)
• Confidante for secrets other family members aren’t supposed to know
• Encouraging their parent to make wise decisions

Oftentimes, this is coupled with the child feeling that their needs and their siblings’ needs will not be met if they do not step up into the role of the responsible one to take care of those around them. Many times this is the result of neglect or substance abuse. Other times it occurs after parents do not fare well from divorce or one parent abandons their relationship with their children and is now out of the picture.

Usually parentified children are observant, considerate, independent, and self reliant.

They can also be very determined and resourceful. However, this can come at the cost of having a childhood cut short by managing too much at a young age. Parentified children have the tendency to suppress their own feelings, have difficulty communicating their needs, and pride themselves on their abilities.

Adult parentified children have a fear of unpredictability and disorder as well as a feeling that their worth depends on how they serve others or keep everything under control. Oftentimes, they are afraid if they don’t give so much to others that they might not receive the love, validation, and care they get through their service and sacrifices. They often grow up to be excellent employees or business owners and appear very well adjusted. However, they also have a tendency to overwork and engage in minimal self care, fun, and play.

If this sounds like you, you may benefit from working with a therapist who understands and can help you make peace with what happened to you. Reach out today.